Jokes, quotes, games - Page 124

My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends.

What kind of dog does Dracula have?

A blood hound.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu AK-
BOOM!!!

How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Chris. Chris who? Christmas is here!

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

Recently, I've been using the Bible for support.

I've got a wobbly coffee table.

Why do kangaroos celebrate their birthdays once every four years?

They only get to celebrate them on leap years.

A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it.
He has no recollection of how he got there.
While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.
A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis."
Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"
The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."
The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?"
"No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."

How do the fairy-tales of the whites and the blacks differ?
The stories of whites start: Once upon a time...
The stories of blacks start: Yo, man, you won't believe what a f**k has happened to me...