"It’d be cool if my kids could make
"It’d be cool if my kids could make something I actually want, like a bottle of wine, out of macaroni and glue.” —Stephanie McMaster
More jokes on Mom jokes
"It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” —Dorothy, The Golden Girls
"Ah, babies. They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” —Tina Fey
"It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” —Carrie Underwood
"Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face.” —Olivia Wilde
"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant and let the air out of the tires.” —Dorothy Parker
"Sometimes I stand there going, ‘I’m not doing any of this right!’ And then I get this big man belch out of her and I go, ‘Ah, we accomplished this together.'” —Christina Applegate
"You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” —Shonda Rhimes
"I always say, if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"I’ve learned that it’s way harder to be a baby. For instance, I haven’t thrown up since the ’90s, and she’s thrown up twice since we started this interview.” —Eva Mendez
"Some days I find myself doing strange things that don’t have any real purpose, in faraway corners in my house, and I realize I am literally and deliberately hiding from my children.” —Kate Hudson
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