"The best way to keep children at home
"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant and let the air out of the tires.” —Dorothy Parker
More jokes on Mom jokes
"Sometimes I stand there going, ‘I’m not doing any of this right!’ And then I get this big man belch out of her and I go, ‘Ah, we accomplished this together.'” —Christina Applegate
"You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” —Shonda Rhimes
"I always say, if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"I’ve learned that it’s way harder to be a baby. For instance, I haven’t thrown up since the ’90s, and she’s thrown up twice since we started this interview.” —Eva Mendez
"Some days I find myself doing strange things that don’t have any real purpose, in faraway corners in my house, and I realize I am literally and deliberately hiding from my children.” —Kate Hudson
"When you’re a mom of teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron
"Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Mothers clean them.” —Rita Rudner
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” —Phyllis Diller
"Having a baby is just living in the constant unexpected. You never know when you’re gonna get crapped on or when you’re gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics.” —Blake Lively
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby Mother’s Day!
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby Mother’s Day!
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