"It just occurred to me that the
"It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” —Carrie Underwood
More jokes on Mom jokes
"Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face.” —Olivia Wilde
"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant and let the air out of the tires.” —Dorothy Parker
"Sometimes I stand there going, ‘I’m not doing any of this right!’ And then I get this big man belch out of her and I go, ‘Ah, we accomplished this together.'” —Christina Applegate
"You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” —Shonda Rhimes
"I always say, if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"I’ve learned that it’s way harder to be a baby. For instance, I haven’t thrown up since the ’90s, and she’s thrown up twice since we started this interview.” —Eva Mendez
"Some days I find myself doing strange things that don’t have any real purpose, in faraway corners in my house, and I realize I am literally and deliberately hiding from my children.” —Kate Hudson
"When you’re a mom of teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron
"Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Mothers clean them.” —Rita Rudner
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” —Phyllis Diller
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