An elderly man, 82, was told by his

An elderly man, 82, was told by his doctors that he didn’t have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life, his Doctor, his Priest, and his Lawyer, and says: "Well, today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I asked you three here because you're the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favor. Today I am going to give each of you an envelope with £50,000 in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave.”

Well a few days later the man passed on, and the doctor said, "I have to admit I kept £10,000 of his money, he owed me lots of private medical bills. But I threw the other £40,000 in.” The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept £25,000 for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in.” The Lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a cheque for the whole amount and threw it in.”

A lawyer, a used car salesman, and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.” They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred-dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Lawyer: *whispers* I did the murder. *loudly* Read that back?

Stenographer: "I did the murder.”

Judge: "Omg the stenographer just confessed."

How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. "I have an offer,” says Satan. "If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm. The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, "So, what’s the catch?”

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain,” came the reply. "Except for one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”