"I’m beginning to think that my lawyer
"I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.” "Why do you say that?” "Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'”
More jokes on Lawyer jokes
Two lawyers walking through the woods spot a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opens his briefcase, pulls out a pair of sneakers, and puts them on. The second lawyer looks at him and says, "You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!” "I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replies. "I’ only have to outrun you.”
What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they’re boring.
Accountants know they’re boring.
Lawyers are like: "I wish you a happy day but in no way guarantee you one."
*escapes liability*
*escapes liability*
What’s the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn’t take its wingtips off at night.
The vulture doesn’t take its wingtips off at night.
A paralegal, associate, and partner walked to lunch through a city park. They found an old lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted each of them one wish. The paralegal said, "I want to be in the Bahamas on a sailboat with Brad Pitt!” Poof, she was gone. The associate said, "I want to be in Hawaii on the beach with a Mai Tai and a hula dancer!” Poof, he was gone. The partner said, "I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
If a lawyer is talking in the forest and there is no one around to hear him, can he still bill for it?
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about the fee schedule. "Alright,” the lawyer says, looking through his papers. "You owe me $1,000 down and $417.58 each month for the next 36 months.” "What?! That sounds like a car payment schedule,” retorted the client. "You’re right,” the lawyer replied. "It’s mine.”
Warning signs you might need a different lawyer:
– Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser. – When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
– Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose.”
– Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
– A prison guard is shaving your head.
– Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser. – When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
– Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose.”
– Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
– A prison guard is shaving your head.
Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?” "I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy,” said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”
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