What’s the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn’t take its wingtips off at night.
What’s the difference between a vulture
More jokes on Lawyer jokes
A paralegal, associate, and partner walked to lunch through a city park. They found an old lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted each of them one wish. The paralegal said, "I want to be in the Bahamas on a sailboat with Brad Pitt!” Poof, she was gone. The associate said, "I want to be in Hawaii on the beach with a Mai Tai and a hula dancer!” Poof, he was gone. The partner said, "I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
If a lawyer is talking in the forest and there is no one around to hear him, can he still bill for it?
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about the fee schedule. "Alright,” the lawyer says, looking through his papers. "You owe me $1,000 down and $417.58 each month for the next 36 months.” "What?! That sounds like a car payment schedule,” retorted the client. "You’re right,” the lawyer replied. "It’s mine.”
Warning signs you might need a different lawyer:
– Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser. – When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
– Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose.”
– Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
– A prison guard is shaving your head.
– Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser. – When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
– Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose.”
– Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
– A prison guard is shaving your head.
Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?” "I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy,” said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”
What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick falls off when you are dead.
The tick falls off when you are dead.
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. "A judge is an honorable man,” he said, "If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!”
Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyer's favor. "Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. "Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. "I just enclosed my opponent's business card with them.”
Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyer's favor. "Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. "Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. "I just enclosed my opponent's business card with them.”
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. "We got £25 between us.” The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers, we had £100 when we broke in!”
A lawyer passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodation. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only option was to appeal. The lawyer immediately said that he intended to appeal, but was then told he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was ridiculous, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days if the lawyer was willing to change the venue to Hell. When the lawyer asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges.”
Čeština
Germany
Español
Português
Français
Italiano
Polski